Disclaimer: You might get in serious trouble if you actually do some of these. This is mainly meant for entertainment.
1. When she tells you to "take the ice," answer, "take it where?"
2. Follow her around the ice everywhere, even when she's in a lesson with somebody else.
3. Whenever she tells you something you're doing wrong, for example "your hips are closed" or "your knees aren't bent," say, "well I'd like to see you do that with your hips opened/knees bent."
4. Run into the boards every chance you get.
5. Come to the rink for your lesson, then tell her your dog ate your skates.
6. Tell her you did not skate this week because you were watching TV.
7. Fly a paper airplane on the ice. If it hits her head, tell her you earned ten minutes less on your lesson that day.
8. While she is explaining what you are doing wrong on something, skate around in aimless circles, without ever looking at her.
9. When she tells you to stop, tell her you skate to burn calories, and standing there listening to her talk does not burn calories.
10. Never bring gloves on the ice, and then complain about having cold hands so you have to borrow hers.
11. Return your gloves to her with all the fingertips torn off.
12. While she is talking to you, lean back on the veeeeery back of your blades. When you fall backwards, exclaim with a look of horror on your face, "How did THAT happen?!"
13. Covertly chew gum on the ice.
14. Bring messy, greasy food (such as wings or big sandwiches) on the ice. Always.
15. Put wads of chewed gum on the ends of your blades, then wonder why you can't do anything.
16. When she asks you a question, raise your hand, waving it around shouting, "pick me, pick me!" When she calls on you (annoyed that you are wasting time), ask if you can use the bathroom.
17. On the rare occasion that she lets you go to the bathroom, take a tour around the rink.
18. In the middle of a lesson, randomly begin telling her a long and heartfelt personal story. Extra points if you start crying.
19. When she tells you to pay attention, reply "how much should I pay?"
20. Get on the ice super early, and when she gets on for your lesson right on time, say "finally!"
21. Whistle while you skate your moves patterns.
22. When she tells you to do one thing (such as "keep your feet close together") do the direct opposite.
23. Bring a lizard, mouse, or rat in your pocket on the ice. In the middle of the lesson, let it loose inconspicuously.
24. Sigh, "this is boring" loudly.
25. Laugh out loud for no reason.
26. Never let her finish a sentence without an interruption.
27. After everything she tells you you are doing wrong say "That's what you think."
28. "Forget" to pay her for a month. Or more.
29. After every time she explains something say "well, duh."
30. Make up humorous excuses for being late to your lesson.
31. Yell "yesssssss" after any time you finish something. Anything. Even if you've been doing it forever. Even if you fall on your butt.
32. While she is talking, roll your eyes. Then yawn and stretch. After that, gaze at all the really good skaters. Keep looking at the clock every five minutes. Sigh. Very loudly.
33. Where sunglasses on the ice.
34. Gather your stuff ten minutes before your lesson ends. Skate around with it.
35. As soon as your lesson time is over, run (yes, run) off the ice before she even says goodbye.
36. Moo whenever she says your name.
37. Randomly tell her one day that you cannot go on the ice anymore because it is against your religion. But you can do anything off ice.
38. When you are staying in a hotel for a competition, bang on her hotel room door at four in the morning (even if you are competing in the evening) and scream GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!!!
39. In the middle of a lesson, pluck her hair out and yell "DNA! ooh.. grey DNA..."
40. In the middle of a lesson, on a particularly crowded day, yell "NO, -insert coach's name here-, I will NOT make out with you!!"
41. Whenever you do a jump, do it retardedly high and wide and tell her you are trying to fly.
42. Hold her hand and whisper to her, "I see dead people..." then look suspiciously around at all the other people on the ice.
43. Pretend to have amnesia: whatever she tells you to do, ask her, "What's that?" and claim you forgot.
44. Try to swim in the ice. When she tells you it's impossible to swim in the ice, say "Why not, it's just frozen water?"
45. Say everything backwards. (Can you imagine? ztul, kcabyal, rewop sllup)
46. Twitch. A lot.
47. Skate in circles around her, and refuse to do anything else.
48. Wear a leo and tights, with a skating skirt on your head. Tell her you are making a fashion statement.
49. Try to drink out of your water bottle upside down.50. Lay face down on the ice for at least one minute, and when you get up exclaim, "Dang, I'm cold!!"
51. Try and climb up the boards. With your skates on.
52. When she tells you to do something, tell her "in a minute" then just stare at her.
53. Skate around with your eyes closed and repeatedly bump into her. (best if you don't bump into other people, as this could cause issues)
54. Pretend you are an alien from a different planet. When she asks you to do something (jump, spin, etc) ask her what that is in your alien language (you can come up with a name for the language if you want). When she tells you she doesn't know or refuses to answer, refuses to do the maneuver because you have no idea what she's talking about.
55. Talk in an annoying accent.
56. While she is explaining something to you cover your ears and shout "the voices!"
57. Or look amazed and look around and ask, "are you my conscience?"
58. When she asks you to do something say "Would you like fries with that?"
59. Only speak to her in song lyrics.
60. Do really dangerous things on the ice, like cartwheels and push-ups. (only if you feel comfortable)
61. Tell her you are going to sue when you fall on whatever she's telling you to do.
62. Whenever you ask her a question also follow it up with "huh, huh, huh?"
63. Whenever you have a really minor fall act like you're dying and can't get up (extra points for crying). Just as she's starting to freak out, jump up and say, "all better!"
64. When she tells you she wants to see a good -insert skating maneuver here-, say "Actual results may vary."
65. Whenever she steps on the ice ask, "What did you bring me?"
66. When she says something like, "If you pull your arms in tighter you'll spin faster," demand that she prove it. Demonstrating does not count.
67. Demand that she hold every dirty tissue for you, claiming you can't find a garbage can.
68. Tell her you have pink eye or some other highly contagious disease.
69. Speak only in a robot voice.
70. Wear a bicycle helmet on the ice, and refuse to take it off because it's for your astronaut training.
71. When she skates backwards, make beeping noises.
72. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophesy."
73. Whenever she is demonstrating something, give a loud play-by-play like a sports announcer.
74. When she is counting something (for example how many lobes you get on a moves pattern or how many revolutions on a spin) shout out random numbers.
75. Pay for your lesson in pennies.
76. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
77. Skip instead of stroke across the ice.
78. When she asks you what time it is, always tell her it is the time that your lesson is to end.
79. (Attempt to) never break eye contact, even when jumping or spinning.
80. Tell her that YOU are the coach, and SHE is the student. Then proceed to give her a lesson.
81. Do things that are obviously wrong and then act like you think you did it perfectly.
82. Tell her to do a quad axel. With a straight face.
83. When she is explaining something to you, nod your head and look attentive. When she is finished, say "wait, what?"
84. Start speaking another language randomly, and act like you don't know what's going on.
85. Ask about her love life. Even if you know she's dating or married to someone.
86. "Forget" your dress (or skates or tights or something essential) when you go to a competition, then at the very last minute "find" it (them).
87. Pretend you don't understand what she's saying, no matter how slowly or loudly she says it.
88. While she is in a lesson with somebody else, approach her quietly from behind, grab her shoulders and yell "BOOGA BOOGA!!"
89. Come fifteen minutes late to your lesson, and act as if nothing happened.
90. Dress only in neon clothing.
91. Speak very loudly so the entire rink can hear you, and when she tells you to quiet down, speak so quietly so she can't hear what you're saying.
92. Set up traffic cones on the ice so no one bumps into each other.
93. Wear a cape and skate like superman.
94. As she reads/looks at the moves book, stand over her shoulder mumbling random words.
95. Do a "turn signal" with your arm whenever you do a three-turn (or rocker, counter, etc.).
96. Skate REALLY slow. When she comments on your slowness, tell her you're going as fast as you can.
97. Bob your head like a parakeet when you are spinning.
98. Sing along to everyone's program music.
99. Arrive to a competition extremely late without your hair, makeup, or anything done.
100. Come to your lesson wearing nothing but a bikini.
101. Correct her grammar obnoxiously, even if it need not be corrected.
Feel free to add any more!!
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