Today is Thanksgiving.
This is not a typical, cheesy thanksgiving post in which you’ve probably seen at least five of today, stating that “today is the day to be thankful,” listing the material, plastic, or otherwise predictable things I am thankful for, and asking, “What are you thankful for?”
Yes, today is the day of thanksgiving, but shouldn’t every day be? That sounds so cliche, but it’s true. So often we focus on what’s wrong in our lives, what is causing our pain because pain is intense and it’s not something we forget. (I think often about the pain I’ve felt in this life.) When we happen to pray, we bring our requests to God repeatedly (and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing), and when we DO thank God for something, it’s nine times out of ten something WE see as GOOD. But there is something I hope many of you have realized already, and if not I want you to “chew” (no pun intended) on this: there is NOTHING we have that we SHOULDN’T be thankful for. Blessings are the most obvious. But suffering is included. Pain is included. Brokenness is included. That feeling of something missing in your heart or in your life, is included.
For a long time, Thanksgiving has been a hard holiday for me, for two reasons. The most obvious I think would be that, as much as I love it, food has been a weird thing to me for as long as I can remember. Also, I’ve always had a hard time expressing my thankfulness to God without getting perfectionist about it (should you be surprised?) and feeling as though I’ve got an unfinished project.
My whole life is an unfinished project. It will be finished when I enter into glory.
So I read a blog by Jamie from TWLOHA today, and something about it changed me.
“I wish I was better at these days. The days where the whole family comes over and you hug and smile and catch up on what the year has been. I wish I was better at being present. I’m tempted to say that I wish I was better at being happy…”
I’ve had this peaceful feeling today, seeing my family that I haven’t seen in way too long and being fully aware that I have plenty to be thankful for. I do. Today and yesterday were good days for me. But I’m tempted to say no, God, Tuesday wasn’t. Monday wasn’t. The week before that was horrible. I’m tempted to tell my family that I’ve had way too many losses, breakdowns, relapses, and physical hurts this year. But I’m forced to be take it all in and be thankful - and I think it’s okay to force feelings on myself, when needed in certain situations. I’m forced to eat this food and suck up that torturous, uncomfortable feeling because that is necessary to get through the holiday.
“I wonder if it’s possible to get to a place of being thankful for your story, for the dreams that feel fractured, for things we loved but lost. I wonder if it’s possible to get to a place believing we are shaped by all of it, that we are stronger and wiser for what we’ve walked through. What if the things that ended - the things that broke and break your heart - what if it was the end of a chapter but the story keeps going? What if life comes back? What if love comes back? What if you would not be who you are and you would not know what you know if not for all those sleepless nights?
I’m starting to believe those things, that the best is yet to be, that life comes back, that the dreams that live inside me are there for another reason, that life is not just a tragedy, not just a story about losing. It is also a story of surprises and grace and hope coming back, of conversations and moments that feel like miracles.”
…wow.
So what am I thankful for? Alright, I’ll tell you.
I’m thankful for my friends, my family, and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m thankful for food, for the clothes I’ve bought in an effort to make me look thin. I’m thankful for my iPhone, my house, and my bed. I’m thankful for my country and education. I’m thankful for music, books, and skating. I’m thankful to God the Father for creating me, Jesus Christ for dying for me, and the Holy Spirit for living inside of me. I’m thankful for the freedom to worship my Lord. I’m thankful that I am in Minnesota right now despite many obstacles. I’m thankful that I didn’t suffer much brain damage when I fell on my head. I’m thankful for recovery. I’m thankful for coffee shops and Italian bakeries. I’m thankful for snow and for my safety. I’m thankful for princesses, wedding dresses, and Disney world. I’m thankful for adorable children. I’m thankful for God’s Word. I’m thankful for the gift of being a woman, and for my identity in Christ as such. I’m thankful for my salvation. I’m thankful for makeup, jewelry, and hair salons. I’m thankful for nursing and Christian colleges. I’m thankful for my hope and future.
I’m thankful for my losses, breakdowns, relapses, and physical hurts this year. I’m thankful for my eating disorder and everything that came and comes with it. I’m thankful for fights with my mom and friends. I’m thankful that the person sitting next to me right now is very irritable. I’m thankful for low battery. I’m thankful that my symptom desires are acting up again. I’m thankful that my aunt is sick. I’m thankful that much of my family is not saved. I’m thankful that my good friend is still hurting. I’m thankful for tears and fears and prayers.
Why? Because God brought me to this place. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
And that is unfinished. I am unfinished. Oh well. One day at a time.
Please consider, if you haven’t already, what you are thankful for.
