Dear Ed,
Hello, how are you today? This must be a rather boring day for you. You haven’t entered my mind once until now. I know for a fact that a few weeks ago you were having the time of your life. But let’s focus on the here and now. Why don’t you take a walk with me? We can stop at Hard Bean or Saxby’s and have a coffee. You don’t stop me from doing that now, since we’ve grown apart. It’s just you and me, let’s have a heart to heart. You know how much I like those.
I want you to know that I have forgiven you. Throughout our relationship, you numbed my heart to knowing the meaning of forgiveness. But, praise the Lord, I’ve overcome that. Nobody except Him and I understand how much it means for me to say to you, “I forgive you.”
You came into my life when I was just a little girl, but I managed to ignore you all the way up until seventh grade. By then I just couldn’t take it anymore. You would not stop lying to me, telling me just how ugly, stupid, and unworthy I was. I began to believe it. You even resorted to using my best friends in ways that they did not want to be used. I looked to them as idols, as people that I needed to get myself to look like. Then my entire life was manipulated when Mom’s health was put in jeopardy. That’s when I decided I could talk to you. Maybe it would get you to go away. Maybe you would give me control. That is what I always longed for. Maybe, just maybe, I would be thin. I dreamed of the day where I could wake up, look in the mirror, and have that defining moment where I could say, “I have complete control over my life, and I have the perfect body. There is nothing I would change.” That day still has not come, and I’ve learned to accept that it never will.
I thought you were the love of my life. You were all I thought about, all I cared about. You were my destiny. All I wanted to do was get further and further in my relationship with you, as fast as I could because the closer I was to you and the more love I felt from you, the sooner I felt that that defining moment would come. The only thing was, I wanted this relationship to be secret. I was cheating on Christ with you. It was shameful. But at the same time, I thrived on not telling anyone. It felt so glorifying - that there was one thing in my life that no one else knew about. People started noticing, though. They asked me questions that I didn’t know how to answer without informing them of our affair. One woman even confronted me. I broke down. I told her all about you. I told her what we had been doing together. I think that was when you stopped caring whether or not people knew. You stopped caring in general.
From that day forward, I began the process of getting you out of my life. I didn’t want to, though. I had to be convinced that you were not the best for me. People were driving you out of my life. They put things in my life that made no room for you. I began to feel anger towards you. I began to realize what you had done to me. You had stripped me of everything. Everything was gone at that point. You ruined me. I found my identity in you, when it should have been found only in the Lord. I had many emotions that circulated throughout me, none of them being positive. Envy, resentment, scorn, rage, pity, fear, obsession… to name a few. I went insane.
My anger continued to burn. At some points, though, I loved you. It was a love hate relationship.
Then I kicked you out of my life. I broke up with you, so to speak. I annuled our marriage. I left you, and you left me.
Since that day I’ve gained a lot of weight. Some days I wake up and just don’t know how to react to it. But some days I am thankful that I’m not the weight I was with you. It seems you were only satisfied if I was unhealthy. You were so controlling.
Is it alright if I ask you some questions?
Why did you come into my life? I mean, why did you choose me? I’ve heard you don’t discriminate, so what about me was so appealing to you?
What do you have against family? My friends? For some reason I hated them when I was with you. They didn’t do anything wrong, though. It was unjustified hatred.
Why did you stay so long? Didn’t you get sick of me?
Will you ever even answer these questions for me?
In the words of Emily Troscianko, “The most terrifying and thrilling thing I’ve learned in this last year since I began to eat again is that food is the means and not the end, a part rather than the whole, and that life cannot be as simple as simply longing for another day of hunger to be over.” Amen, sister.
Because of you I have a vitamin D deficiency that Dr. Cohen just called concerned about yesterday because it is “profoundly low”. Because of you I have gastrointestinal issues that still remain undiagnosed. Because of you my life was put on hold for two years. Because of you my skating suffered, when I could be landing doubles by now. Because of you I’ve experienced more than most people want to go through, such as starvation, not being able to get out of bed, an EKG, hospitalization, and the taste of nutritional supplements. Because of you I am now on four medications just so I can get through the day. Because of you I’ve had three injuries this year. Because of you I fear that I may never be able to bear children. You know that that is my DREAM. Because of you I am scarred.
But, because of you, I have a testimony. I have a future. Because of you I am now friends with many fabulous girls whom I love. Because of you I am inspired to be a nurse. Because of you, I come to my Lord in worship and am speechless and moved to tears every time. Because of you I’ve seen love between so many people. Because of you I know who I am. I am Elizabeth Marie Puffenberger, and there is no one like me. I am a daughter of the King, and that makes me a princess. Because of you I’ve learned to embrace the phrase, “In Your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character.”
Now as I exit my freshman year of high school, I sit here in tears remembering all the times we had. You were always there for me, even when I didn’t want you to be. I am thankful.
So, I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for having this time with me. It is liberating to tell you everything I ever wanted to tell you. Could you just do me a favor, and not bother me for a while?
Thanks.
I can’t really say that I wish you the best in all you do, because I don’t. But, it has certainly been a memorable stage of my life.
Love in Christ,
Liz.
<3
I finally did it, I wrote a letter to my eating disorder. I hope it means something to you.
